My First Step on my Reinvention Journey – Dealing to Dirty Harry & Listening more to Angel
THE FIRST STEP:
There are people out there that are good at identifying their First Step to start their personal journey and off they go! Then there are people like me who can spend YEARS figuring it out. These years were not wasted however as I have gathered lots of information, had many life experiences that have all contributed to me getting to know who I am BUT there has to come a time when I have to ask; "Is what I am actually doing serving me and taking me closer to living my dream??? The answer is NO it is not and then I have to ask WHY NOT?
I think I may have a major part of the answer as to WHY NOT? There are of course a number of other factors I need to consider as they too are limiting my progress to achieving my dream but this is my First Step so let me just deal with this - the other stuff can wait.
In my previous blog I wrote about the many years I have been chasing my dream to be a speaker and writer and that I was starting to feel like I was participating in a running race - getting to the start but never reaching the finishing line!
I have decided that I don't want this "Ground Hog Day Feeling" anymore - taking the same steps to the start line over and over again. As I have had a lot of success at starting but not finishing I figure that to get this journey underway and REAL PROGRESS made - i.e getting close to and even over the finish line - I need to get to know those "behaviours, thoughts and actions" which are RISKS for me and will impact my progress, focus, direction and commitment.
My biggest RISK by far is Dirty Harry and my biggest ASSET is Angel
Background: Dirty Harry & Angel
I have 2 voices in my head as everyone does and for a long time (years and years) probably since I was 5 years old I have been listening to the voice that "doesn't serve me well"...... my Bad Thoughts who I have recently named DIRTY HARRY!. My Positive Thoughts I have called Angel. She has always been with me though she is much quieter than Harry and to hear what she is saying you really have to listen hard. Dirty Harry is loud domineering, rationale and very persuasive - he knows that what he says is what you want to hear!! Angel often will say things that I know I should do or act on but it seems too hard and it is always easy to follow Dirty Harry's advice!
If don't figure out how to manage Dirty Harry then he will have a significant impact on the progress I make on this journey. Angel on the other hand is more supportive and intuitive and she wants to see me succeed . I need to get to know her and listen to her because if I do then my progress will soar!
Managing Dirty Harry is a big job and it wont happen over night however I have taken some action and tried to identify some of the current Dirty Harry thoughts I have been listening to lately ( I have listed some of them below). I know that there are many more negative thoughts, however I remember reading somewhere that if you name the "Voice and "Thoughts" that are not serving you well then they become real to you. They are no longer just thoughts in your head, buried deep and hidden away only to come out when you are at your most vulnerable - which is when I am most likely to listen and act on! When I hear the voice of self doubt and fear I know exactly who is talking and I have a choice now to listen and act on the "negative thoughts or beliefs" or I can listen more closely to the voice of my truth and my self belief - Angel who supports me and wants only the best for me.
Why the hell do I listen to Dirty Harry????
My Current Top Seven Thoughts from Dirty Harry - not ranked in importance!
- My financial reality is bad and chasing my dream is not really going to secure my future - I wont make much money from living my dream - more like a part time thing. Getting any job would be more logical and far more likely to get me closer to easing the present financial burden!!
- Just take any job because it is much harder to get a job I really want or deserve because I am old and there lots of people looking for jobs . Be grateful I have a job - even if it is not what you want. I am too experienced to get a well paid job?? Nobody values my experience skills and knowledge so be grateful for what I can get.
- Put my dream of building Dream Plan Act on hold because it is too risky and far too hard to be in business for myself...JUST GET ANY JOB - it will be some much easier for everyone including you Kathryn! Working in my own business is really hard work and I have to sacrifice everything and even then I have no guarantee that I will be successful - I haven't yet so why should I be now?
- There are times in my life where I have to do things that I don't want to do and even though my GUT is telling me this is dream chasing is the right thing to do - don't listen to it because I don't deserve to be successful. I don't have the credentials for success. So just be happy with being comfortable, adapt and do what everyone else does - live a secure and comfortable existence. Everyone else does it - so why cant I?? Why do I want more for me??
- Number 5 is really made up of an unlimited number of questions and many of these questions still sit with me as I write this - Can I really do it - go out on my own and build my business - do I have what it takes - focus, commitment, discipline? I have no financial backing and I have huge financial commitments - I really don't believe I deserve success because everything else I have tried I have FAILED!! Its really really tough having your own business - financial success is limited and really only happens to other people in USA because it has a bigger population!!!! New Zealand is too small!!
- Dirty Harry consistently pushes this one too....Kathryn you are 54 ,I should have figured out what I want to do by now? Everyone around you has their lives sorted and they are very successful because they did the right thing and made the right choices. Why haven't I? Maybe it is safer that I get a any job and prepare for my retirement....which by the way I are NOT prepared for!! Now thats another thing to worry about.
- I have been made redundant 3 times in 18 months - with 1 job I only lasted 3 months - now that is a failure right there Kathryn. No one I know has had that happen to them so there must be something wrong with me? I need to play the "game" head down butt up get on with it. Don't question or challenge I need to change things about me as its not working because I keep loosing my job. Maybe I didn't work hard enough?
I am going to stop at 7 - there are many more negative thoughts stored up but I am getting exhausted just thinking about it all. I think if you are reading this you will get the common themes of self doubt, fear, self persecution, failure, rejection. Getting a job and putting my dream on hold for awhile is another line of thought Dirty Harry is currently plugging to me. Because of the internal pressure and external pressures I am feeling whether they are real or not - this current thought is appealing right now! Just thought I would let you know:)
Ending one a more positive note - I do feel better as I now have a name to my beliefs and thoughts that don't serve me well and as soon as they pop into my head I know its Dirty Harry. For the next 24 hours I am going to note every time Dirty Harry and Angel speak and what they say. I have a feeling that Dirty Harry will win the first few rounds however Angel is strong and I know she will be winning at the end!
I will be updating you as to how Angel is going and where Dirty Harry is. Maybe you could start figuring out what your Dirty Harry has been saying to you lately and start getting closer to your Angel.
Until next time.......